Winding down…

Sunday evening, after yet another busy week/weekend.

Madeline finished both physics and pre-calculus this week!  And finished well– she gets B in both.  She says she will miss doing math, which I cannot relate to at all but is wonderful to hear!  Both my kids seem to have inherited their dad’s math aptitude, which is a blessing.  Madeline still will work on Spanish and writing, both of which are self-directed so my input will be minimal.  So we are into May and the school year is almost over.  Her piano recital is a week from today and then that will be done.  Most of her other activities continue into June but there is still a sense of winding down.

Jacob is almost done with his semester, classes are over and he just has 1 exam and a paper and he’s done.  However, he then heads off with the flight team for the national competition and will be gone 10 days.  He is still up in the air about his summer plans but will most likely stay in Dubuque, so it will be a little different around here this summer.  But that’s okay– he’s got things to do, and Madeline and I will be busy this summer too.  He passed the check-ride for his multi-engine rating this past week, another milestone for him.

I think we will have a party for Madeline’s graduation.  Jacob just wanted dinner with his sister an I, his dad and dad’s wife, and Uncle Bill.  It was only somewhat awkward.  That was 3 years ago, and since then their dad’s wife has become increasingly more unfriendly to me and Madeline would like to have other people around to offset the awkwardness, which is understandable and will also be fun.  Their dad has informed me it is my fault that wife is unfriendly; the kids have both assured me that I have been perfectly pleasant and cordial and done nothing to cause this.  And yes, they would tell me if I was behaving badly!  I had asked them about it because I feel bad– it makes it difficult for their dad and I to be together at their activities.  I actually thought the wife was a very nice person and thought we got on well at first but things deteriorated.   I still try to be pleasant and cordial but am not sure what else to do about it.  She has a lot of hostility towards me.  Ah well.

I cancelled my satellite TV this week, and am sort of regretting it at the moment since I can’t watch Mad Men or Sherlock tonight.  But I am pretty sure I will survive and will get to catch up eventually.  I did purchase a Roku unit and have set it up, so I’m feeling mildly tech-savvy.  It will save me some money.  This will be the last month I receive child support so it is time to make some changes.  I find it weird that child support in Wisconsin ends when they graduate or turn 18 (whichever comes last), yet I still have to feed and house them until they got to college.  I shouldn’t complain, though.  I’ve had things much better than many, many women (and men) who are divorced and raising children.

We made it to Mass at our own church this morning, I was lector and Madeline played piano & sang.  It was good to be there.  Father David’s sermon was about baptism and rebirth and nourishing ourselves through the Eucharist, it was excellent.  His sermons are always good but have been particularly so this Easter.

I’m still reading John Steinbeck’s Travels with Charlie  and loving it– I’ve even been reading it aloud to Madeline while she draws.  A nice side effect of no TV.

Holy Week

It’s Good Friday.  I’ve been enriched by the Holy Week services.

Palm Sunday at our little church was very nice this year.  We had a good turnout, the music was lovely, and the lectors did a great job reading the Passion. When I was younger I often found it too long, but not anymore.  It’s the perfect way to start the week.

On Tuesday I had dinner with my co-teacher for Faith Formation and with Fr. David, then we went to the Chrism Mass.  It’s the third time I’ve been to the Chrism Mass, and I really find it uplifting.  The Diocesan Choir sings, the music is always exceptional, and the Liturgy is beautiful.  There is something about seeing all the priest of the Diocese, along with the seminarians, that touches me.  They always seem so happy to be there, to be together.  The Bishop got a little political during his homily, which is understandable given the current situation with the new health care law, but I would prefer not to have politics in the pulpit.  The blessing and distribution of oils is always lovely.  I especially enjoyed being in a big church full with enthusiastic fellow Catholics!  It’s very encouraging.

We had our second-to-last Faith Formation class Wednesday.  It included the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  All but 2 kids chose to partake of it.  I went, and it was good.  I’ve grown to appreciate it.  I was proud of the kids, too.

Jacob arrived home from college last evening in time to grab a quick bite and then head to Holy Thursday Mass.  The Mass of the Lord’s Supper was for many years my favorite of the Sacred Triduum services.  I love the readings, remembering the first Passover, and the institution of the Eucharist, and the washing of feet as a reminder of Christ’s call to service.  I have always loved the incense, the procession and reposit of the Blessed Sacrament, and singing Tantum Ergo.   It’s a ritual I remember from my earliest days and I love it.  The service was lovely, and Fr. David’s sermon was great, but there were not a lot of people there.  Because Fr. D has 4 churches, we rotate the Triduum Masses so each church gets a different one of the services.  I don’t know why, but this Church never seems to have good attendance for Holy Thursday.  There were very few young kids there,which is always disappointing.

As always, I worked today so was unable to go to the Good Friday service– it has been years since I’ve gone.  But tonight I went to a nearby Catholic church to see a mime performance of the Passion.  Sounds strange, right?  I’m not a fan of mime, but this was absolutely amazing.  Their high school Faith Formation classes did this, and they did a beautiful job.  Rich in symbolism, respectful, not rushed, no silliness, the kids should be very, very proud.  In the past I’ve often felt I don’t focus on the Crucifixion enough, and viewing this beautiful performance helped me with that.  I came home and read the readings for today, and am feeling a little more focused on things.

Tomorrow– the Easter Vigil!  The kids and I love it.  It is at our own church, for the second year in a row, and I’m really looking forward to it. I know not everyone likes the longer service, but I do– the readings are always especially beautiful, as they take us through Salvation history.  Such a deep, meaningful, joyous time.

I missed a day of blogging again but for a good reason.  Yesterday was just plain busy.  I had work and then Faith Formation in the evening.  I had today off, which was lovely.  I managed to get some errands done,and I put the screens in the windows.  It’s been quite warm for a few weeks and the house has been quite stuffy, but I’ve help back from putting the screens in, mostly because I’ve been busy but also because it just seemed too early.  Plus the screens are new ones to go with the new windows, and I had to get them out of their boxes and haul out the ladder… it was a bit of a job!  But they are in now and the windows are open and the fresh air is coming in.

Faith Formation went well last night.  We had a decent turnout, only one of our regulars missed.  I’d hoped to see some of our not-so-regulars there but no luck.  I really need to find a way to reach out to them and encourage them to come.  Anyway, we talked about Holy Week, starting with Palm Sunday and the Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem touching on the cleansing of the Temple, and finishing with the Last Supper and the garden of Gethsemane.  Then we actually showed a few scenes from “Jesus Christ, Superstar”.  I think the kids liked it, we hoped it would bring the Gospel stories alive for the kids.  Next week we will do avery modified Passover Seder/Last Supper.

I did this once before with another class about 3 years ago.  I’d worked long and hard, researched extensively, made all the food, brought nice candlesticks & table linens, the whole nine yards.  It was interesting and fun but I definitely got a bit carried away and it was a little too much.  I love this kind of stuff so it is easy for me to overdo it.  Years ago I went to a Seder presentation by Jews for Jesus at a friend’s church.  It was a Bible church, and I found it curious that many of the people at the church weren’t particularly aware that the Last Supper was a Seder.  I had always been aware of it, since in the Catholic Liturgy the readings for Holy Thursday’s Mass of the Lord’s Supper includes the story of the first Passover from the Book of Exodus.  The Seder and accompanying explanation from the representative for Js for J was very interesting, and I was so fascinated to realize how directly the Eucharistic Liturgy draws from it. This spurred a curiosity that has had me delving deeper into Catholicism, something I have enjoyed very much.   Hopefully I can come up with something by next week that will educate the kids without overwhelming them!

I was able to get to church early enough to participate in Stations of the Cross and Benediction, along with about 10 other people.  The Stations are a lovely devotional activity for Lent.  It makes me really think about my behavior, and I was forced to admit that I’d not been really doing well in some areas.  We’ll do reconciliation for our class during Holy Week and I know I’m in need of it.

 

Aaahh!

It’s April 10th!  The day I’ve been waiting for.

Madeline was confirmed last night.  It was a lovely service in a pretty church (St. Mary’s in Platteville).  She looked lovely.  I was so proud of her for going through with this and for taking it seriously– my daughter has a heart for God and I am often humbled by her.  Her brother came from Dubuque for the service, which pleased her immensely– he was a little late, so she didn’t see him when she walked in, but after she went up for the sacrament she saw him and was so thrilled.  Her dad was there also, somewhat reluctantly, and often checked the time and occasionally texted the wife.  I realize he no longer believes in the faith that he once shared with us, but he could at least be courteous.  Anyway, at least he came.

My play is done, and I was very ready to be done with it.  It went well and was a good thing for our Guild, but not real fun.

I have faith formation tonight, and then I am done with that.  I will not do it again next year.  It takes a lot of time, and travel, and I don’t enjoy it at all.  If I were at all good at it I would be willing to persevere, but I am not good at it, not effective, so I think it is time to step down.  It is making me crabby and there is no point to it.

I have a physics test tomorrow.  I was working on my homework problems and had trouble with one– even with the answer in the back of the book, I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.  The teacher will go over the problems before the test, but it makes me very nervous.  For some reason this latest chapter has not clicked well for me.

I had given up sweets for Lent and was doing pretty well, but between my birthday and doing a show I’ve really lapsed.  I will try again, though, and hope to finish the last two weeks of lent strong– with God’s grace.

Annulment

My marriage ended in 2004, the actual date of divorce is January 2005.  I got the forms and info to file for an annulment in the Catholic Church early in 2005.  I submitted the forms in June of 2009.  Yes, it took me 4 years to get the paperwork done.  Obviously I didn’t work on it the whole time, it was a very intense process and I took breaks from it, often very long ones.  I’d work on it for a short time, then the emotions would overwhelm me and I’d put it away for several weeks or months.

I think it is a good thing that I took as long as I did.  It allowed me time to heal, which enabled me to really look at my past and be honest with myself.  My now-ex had an affair and eventually left me for the woman.  My attitude going in to the annulment process was that he broke our marriage vows and so, it is all his fault.  But the questions the Church asks for this process made me realize it wasn’t that simple.

I had to answer questions about my family, my childhood, my adulthood, how we met, and the circumstances surrounding our decision to marry.  I had to answer the exact same questions about him, to the best of my ability. I also had to describe the circumstances surrounding the end of our marriage.  But rather than giving my reply as straight answers to questions, I was to  use the questions as a guide in writing a narrative about all this.  So it ended up being a Story of Me, and a Story of Us.  My ex was sent the same forms and allowed the same opportunity. (I do not think he availed himself of it).

In spite of the tough emotions it brought out, I am so glad I did this.  I approached it prayerfully and seriously, especially as time went by.  I felt God leading me to a place of honesty about all that happened.  What I wrote was deeply personal, and I sometimes felt very vulnerable, knowing that people were going to be reading it– including my parish priest!  But I knew I had to trust God, and I knew I had to be totally honest, otherwise it would be meaningless.  By the time I sent it off, I was very much at peace– I felt there was a high likelihood it would be granted, but that if it wasn’t I would be able to cope with that.

Early on in the process I was very conflicted about things– part of me wanted the annulment, and yet part of me didn’t.  In order for the annulment to be granted, the Church has to find that the marriage was not valid.  (Note– Not valid is not the same as not legal– I was legally married and legally divorced.  The Church looks at it sacramentaly).  One of the things it looks for is if both parties were mature enough to have understood their vows.  We were in our mid-twenties when we married, and I was very serious about my vows, and I really think he was too.  It made me think that my chances of having the annulment granted were slim.

As I learned more about the Catholic view of marriage, and what the sacrament means, I realized that although I took my vows in all seriousness, I did not truly understand what those vows were about.  A part of the Catholic understanding of marriage is that God chooses you for each other, to help each other to be better people, to grow closer to Him.  We each had a responsibility to help each other be the best people we could be.  That is definitely not the way I looked at it at the time.  I really had more selfish reasons for marrying– not necessarily bad reasons, but I did not look at us as two-becoming one, at least, not as I should have.

My annulment was granted recently, I got the official notice of it a few weeks ago.  It was a good feeling!  It took  a little less than a year, which my priest felt was a little long, but it is shorter than some people I hear about.  I am content.  I have no plans to remarry any time soon, but it is good to know I can do so in the Church, if it should ever happen.

Mostly, though, I feel a sense of peace, of God’s grace working in me.  I’ve let go of a lot of my hurt and anger, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my marriage, while not doomed to failure, had some serious issues that stemmed from my own unwillingness to be honest with myself when we first married.  I also feel the power of God’s understanding and forgiveness of my human weakness.  All in all, a satisfying experience.

If anyone reading this is pondering applying for an annulment, I urge you to do it– it ain’t easy, but in the end it is worth it.