Winding down…

Sunday evening, after yet another busy week/weekend.

Madeline finished both physics and pre-calculus this week!  And finished well– she gets B in both.  She says she will miss doing math, which I cannot relate to at all but is wonderful to hear!  Both my kids seem to have inherited their dad’s math aptitude, which is a blessing.  Madeline still will work on Spanish and writing, both of which are self-directed so my input will be minimal.  So we are into May and the school year is almost over.  Her piano recital is a week from today and then that will be done.  Most of her other activities continue into June but there is still a sense of winding down.

Jacob is almost done with his semester, classes are over and he just has 1 exam and a paper and he’s done.  However, he then heads off with the flight team for the national competition and will be gone 10 days.  He is still up in the air about his summer plans but will most likely stay in Dubuque, so it will be a little different around here this summer.  But that’s okay– he’s got things to do, and Madeline and I will be busy this summer too.  He passed the check-ride for his multi-engine rating this past week, another milestone for him.

I think we will have a party for Madeline’s graduation.  Jacob just wanted dinner with his sister an I, his dad and dad’s wife, and Uncle Bill.  It was only somewhat awkward.  That was 3 years ago, and since then their dad’s wife has become increasingly more unfriendly to me and Madeline would like to have other people around to offset the awkwardness, which is understandable and will also be fun.  Their dad has informed me it is my fault that wife is unfriendly; the kids have both assured me that I have been perfectly pleasant and cordial and done nothing to cause this.  And yes, they would tell me if I was behaving badly!  I had asked them about it because I feel bad– it makes it difficult for their dad and I to be together at their activities.  I actually thought the wife was a very nice person and thought we got on well at first but things deteriorated.   I still try to be pleasant and cordial but am not sure what else to do about it.  She has a lot of hostility towards me.  Ah well.

I cancelled my satellite TV this week, and am sort of regretting it at the moment since I can’t watch Mad Men or Sherlock tonight.  But I am pretty sure I will survive and will get to catch up eventually.  I did purchase a Roku unit and have set it up, so I’m feeling mildly tech-savvy.  It will save me some money.  This will be the last month I receive child support so it is time to make some changes.  I find it weird that child support in Wisconsin ends when they graduate or turn 18 (whichever comes last), yet I still have to feed and house them until they got to college.  I shouldn’t complain, though.  I’ve had things much better than many, many women (and men) who are divorced and raising children.

We made it to Mass at our own church this morning, I was lector and Madeline played piano & sang.  It was good to be there.  Father David’s sermon was about baptism and rebirth and nourishing ourselves through the Eucharist, it was excellent.  His sermons are always good but have been particularly so this Easter.

I’m still reading John Steinbeck’s Travels with Charlie  and loving it– I’ve even been reading it aloud to Madeline while she draws.  A nice side effect of no TV.

Early spring

I’m rather tired this evening.  I went to bed too late last night, and after work today I went over to the theatre guild to sell tickets for our upcoming show.   I would rather have been home– after a rainy morning it had cleared up and it was a lovely afternoon and evening.

Jacob headed back to school after sunset yesterday.  He heads west so it’s easier on the eyes to wait until the sun sets, at least for him since he sees well in the dark.  If it were me I’d want to be there before dark.  Madeline and I had a nice evening together, but she’s been a little quiet since she got back from her trip.  She had a good time, although she is a little worried about her grandma.  Grandma had back surgery about 9 or so years ago, it was a very long operation and she hasn’t been quite the same since, there were definitely some cognitive losses.  M. really noticed it this trip.  I don’t know if it’s really worse or if M. just is noticing it for the first time.  I haven’t seen her grandma for more than a few minutes at a time since 2005 so I couldn’t say.  In 2005, after our divorce, the grandparents were anxious to see the kids and the ex (their son) wouldn’t take them down for a visit, so I did.  I actually got along better than I had when I was still married to their son.  Not sure why, maybe because I no longer felt I needed to prove anything to them?  Their dad did not accompany them on this trip, and Madeline said she wished I had come!  I do not think it would have worked– since the ex re-married his parents have been noticeably cooler to me.  Maybe they think it would be disloyal?  It would probably annoy the new wife… She doesn’t much care for me.

I walked to and from work and then to and from the theatre guild, so at lease I got some outdoor time in that way.  On the way home from the guild, there was a flock of blackbirds in the trees, chirping and creaking (I don’t know what else to call the sound they make!) and making quite a racket. I’ve heard them quite few times in the last week or so, so it was fun to see them.

A lovely evening, the weather continues to be warm. The trees are budding and some are  leafing out, I see leaves on the black raspberry canes that have started up near the garage, my crocuses have bloomed and the daffodils are starting to bloom.  I even saw some violets blooming on my way home.  Yesterday on our bike ride we passed to forsythia bushes in glorious bloom. This morning on the way to work I saw some rhubarb starting to peak up out of the ground.   Spring officially starts tomorrow, but around here it is well underway.

Milestone

Note: I wrote this on Wednesday 3/14 but forgot to publish it… Guess I thought I was going to write more but then didn’t.  So here it is.

Busy day.  Had a meeting early before work, then a long day at work.  It’s gorgeous out, but I didn’t get to spend much time outside– I did do a little weeding, though.

Today is my first-born child’s 21st birthday, a fact which amazes me.  It was also a lovely day 21 years ago, when he was born, though I didn’t get to enjoy the weather then either!  I became pregnant with him after trying for 9 months– I was beginning to think it wasn’t going to happen.  I can still remember how it felt when they placed him on my stomach to hold right after he was born– he was so solid and warm and real.  Becoming a mother changed me profoundly, and I am a better person today because of it.  He was in many ways a challenging child, and I didn’t always handle it as well as I should have, but we made it through.  It was because of him that we started homeschooling, which has been a wonderful journey for him, for his sister, and for me. Today he is a smart, hard-working, generous, fair-minded person, and  I am proud to have him as a son.  I am very blessed.

This morning I emailed his dad, saying “21 years ago it was a day as lovely as today.  I’m so glad we had our beautiful boy, who has grown in to a fine young man.”  He did not respond.  But I meant it, and in spite of all the hard times he and I have had, we did produce two wonderful kids, and that counts for something.

Snow!

We’re getting dumped with 6 or so inches of very wet, very heavy snow right now.  I’m not looking forward to shoveling but otherwise it’s rather lovely– every branch of every tree and bush is coated with snow.  It’s very pretty and almost makes me want to sing Christmas carols.   We had a decidedly not-white Christmas and I missed the snow.  We closed the cafe early– the owners live out in the country and were anxious to get home before the roads got any worse.  So I got home earlier than expected and that was nice.

Some friends who have been married for 23 years recently separated.  He woke up one morning recently, told her he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for a while, packed a bag and moved out.  It’s hit her hard, really hard, and the kids, too, even though they are older.  I’ve talked to her a bit, but I try to just listen, and not say a whole lot– the one thing she most wants to hear– that he will come back to her– is something I can’t say, because I don’t know.  I’m also very cognizant of the fact that I can’t really be objective about it.  My now-ex left me and I remember clearly, even though it was almost 8 years ago, how absolutely awful it felt.

I get that people go through tough times, I get that people change.  I’m very happy right now and in the long run am sure I am better off without the ex.  But I still wonder why, when people go through things, they have to leave– leave a spouse, leave children,hurt them, in order to figure things out.

A few thoughts, seven years on…

As of November 30, we have been living in this house for 7 years.  That is longest I’ve lived in one place since my family moved out of my childhood home when I was 16.  It’s the longest my kids have lived in one place.

This house itself was an answer to a prayer.  I’d spent several disheartening days in August looking at house after house, none of which suited.  At that point I’d just barely filed for divorce, and part of me was still in denial.  After a morning of house-viewing, the kids and I headed to a park to meet my friend Linda and her kids; while the kids played, Linda and I prayed.  One of the things I prayed for was guidance with buying a house.  When we finally arrived home late that afternoon, a friend called with an opportunity: a woman she worked with was selling her house, my friend thought it would be perfect, but they needed to sell quickly.  Could I come look at it tonight?

I did not want to.  It had been a long day, I was miserable and unhappy, and I didn’t want to drive back into town– a 20 minute drive.  I was about to say no when the Spirit nudged me– I had prayed for help, this may be the answer.  Perhaps I could try to be accommodating? I called the people and headed back into town.

I arrived at sunset, parked in front of the house, and looked at it.  I knew right then, before I even stepped inside, that this was the place.  I felt such a sense of peace in my heart, I had no doubt that God had led me here.  When I went in the house it only confirmed it: it was everything I needed, and everything I wanted. It took a little back and forth, and I almost lost it by being foolish, but in the end I trusted in God and made the leap.

When we moved in here 7 years ago, I was 41 years old, and I was still raw and reeling from my soon-to-be-ex’s infidelity and our separation.  I was scared, I was overwhelmed, I was grieving.  My son was 13, and was scared and angry.  My daughter had just turned 11 and was scared, sad and confused.  But we were also loved– my parents poured out their love to us, my friends and the kids’ friends were there for us every step of the way, helping in any and every way possible that we let them.  The house seemed to welcome us, even our big farm dog and our 2 cats.  We settled in quickly, and our first Christmas in the house was lovely.

My son stayed angry through the winter and into spring, but by April we had moved past the roughest stretch with him and he was better.  Now he is 20 years old, a junior in college, doing well and very happy.  After several very strained years, he and his dad have rebuilt their relationship.  My daughter is now 18, a senior in high school, busy with school and work and activities and working on college applications.  She’s going through her own strained time with her dad, but I’m confident that they will get through it and come out the other side okay.

As for me, I’m 48.  I just found out I’ve been admitted into the Physical Therapy Assistant program at the nearby technical college, so for the first time I have a plan for my future.  It will take 2 years and most (perhaps all) of the money I have set aside for retirement, but I am worth the investment.  I have a job I like, I have good friends, I have interests and hobbies that I enjoy.  I am not dating anyone but I am okay with that.  When the time is right that will happen, if it is meant to happen.  In the meantime, I’ll be busy finishing the last year of homeschooling my daughter.  Then it will be time for both of us to take another leap.

And any time I wonder or worry about the future, I look around at our house and remember that Someone is looking out for me.

Dilemma

The hardest part of divorce, in the long-term, is the effect it has on your kids.  Long after I came to terms with the whole thing myself– the feeling of rejection, the fear of what the future holds, the loneliness– I still see my kids dealing with the aftermath of my own mistakes and those of their father.  Like most parents in my situation, I mitigate what I can when I can, but far too often there is little I can do– sometimes the situation is out of my hands, sometimes the dynamics of the relationship I have with their dad (or their relationship with him) is such that my interference would make things worse.

This brings me to my current dilemma.  My daughter had two art pieces selected to display in a youth art show in Madison last year.  It was very exciting for her, a real thrill to see her art displayed at a mall with other students’ art.  She and I went and saw it together, then she saw it with her dad.   This year she again had two pieces entered in the show.  She found out today that the show is this week, so we only have a few more days to get up to see it.  She came home From school very excited about it.  She said that, since it is her weekend to be with her dad, maybe after she gets out of work on Saturday she and I could drive up to the mall to see it and… I interrupted her at that point to say that I had to work Saturday evening.  She was crestfallen.  I said we would just go up and see it on Friday instead.  She agreed but still looked sad.

It took me a few minutes to piece it all together– she was thinking we could meet her dad at the mall and all see it together, then she would go home with him.  I asked her if that was what she wanted, she said yes.  Well, I said, couldn’t we all see it together  on Friday.  She seemed uncertain.  After much talk she admitted she wanted me and dad there, but not her dad’s wife– the wife is always very uncomfortable around me, and that makes things awkward.  Madeline just wants to enjoy her moment without awkwardness.  Meeting at the mall so she could go with her dad was an easy, low-pressure way of doing this.

She doesn’t feel comfortable asking her dad to do this.  She does not want me to talk to him about it.  She doesn’t want me to bring up the subject again.  We will go look at it together on Friday, and sometime over the weekend she will go see it with her dad and probably the wife, and that is the way it will be.

It is hard for me to leave it there.  It is such a simple thing this girl wants– her two parents to be there with her, to enjoy this special thing with her.  It isn’t a lot to ask, it isn’t as though her father and I are mortal enemies.  It’s just that anything that involves or deliberately excludes the wife is fraught with tension.  It is so, so tempting to just call her dad, and say here is the situation, can you just come on Friday.  I want to do that, so badly, and part of me thinks it will be a simple thing, but she is very sure it won’t be.

Do I respect her wishes, and miss an opportunity for us to do this simple, lovely thing for our daughter?  Do I ignore her wishes and possibly cause a problem, make her life more difficult?  Is this situation truly out of my hands?

New Year

Christmas has come and gone.  The kids and I went down to Tucson to spend it with my parents.  This was the first time since the divorce that we had gone away for Christmas– we often used to go to either my folks or his at Christmas, but after the divorce going away with one parent meant the other did not see the kids at Christmas, so we both just didn’t do it.  But, my parents have spent every Christmas alone since moving to Tucson in 2005, and it was getting to them.  My dad is 82, my mom is 78, and although they are both in good health, well, one never knows.  So I checked with the kids, and they were willing to go, and I checked with their dad, and he was not thrilled but he understood, so we did it.

Christmas in Tucson was fun.  The weather was great, in the 60′s and 70′s during the day.  Jacob hiked a lot, Madeline and I hiked some.  We went to Christmas Eve Mass at my parent’s church, Most Holy Trinity, and it was lovely.  Madeline and I went to tea at the Chantilly Tea Room with my parents.  I’d never been to a tea room and it was a nice experience.  Madeline, Mom and I also went to the Titanic exhibit, which is in Tucson, and  I quite enjoyed it.  We had breakfast on Sunday with their friends Molly and Joe, and they are always fun to be with.  All in all, an enjoyable visit.

We had to transfer in Las Vegas on our way there and back, and what a surreal experience that was.  The slot machines in the airport, the posters for strip clubs and shooting ranges and casinos, the slightly skeevy people, the grubby cheesiness of the airport… if I never go there again it will be fine with me.

It was good to be back home, and although I am very glad we went, the kids and I agreed that we’d rather not travel at Christmas again.  It was partly the whole Christmas travel scene– the crowded airports, the lines at security, the amateur travelers who don’t know how to go through security quickly and efficiently, the full planes, it’s all a bit more stressful than usual.  But the biggest reason is that, over the years, and especially since their dad and I separated, the kids and I have developed our own traditions, our own way of celebrating, and we missed doing that.  We put up a tree before we left, and it was still there when we got home.  We made our traditional Christmas cookies and Christmas bread before, and we made more down in Tucson. We never make a big deal about presents, so that wasn’t an issue.

Christmas Day is always spent with their dad, but Christmas Eve is our time. On Christmas Eve we always get the meal and the house ready.  Then we got to Christmas Eve Mass at our little church.  The we come home, turn on the tree lights, and light the Advent wreath candles, and we  finish our Advent Devotional, which used to be Jotham’s Journey– we haven’t found a good replacement since Jacob went off to college.  Then we would eat our dinner, and after we would light all the candles in the house, and we would sit and look at the tree and sing Christmas Carols, and we talk about the Incarnation– The Word made Flesh.  That is what we love about Christmas:  that our God came and lived among us, shared our humanity.

We really missed doing it.  Oh, we talked about it, but it wasn’t the focus, as it is when we are on our own.  Well, we talked about it later, after we got home, and that was good, but it wasn’t the same.

Plugging along

I started this week tired, and when I start a week tired I know I’ll be tired all the way through.  However– I did catch a break, since I don’t have to work tonight.  I usually work on Wednesday evenings but didn’t need to.  Other than the lost income that is a good thing.

After work today my daughter and I went to the farmer’s market and I bought some raspberries.  We made raspberry jam from it, the only jam I made this year.  So it isn’t much, but it is something.  I made an apple pie tonight– my daughter has been absolutely craving one.  My son is the pie maker in the family, but he is away at school so I did it.  I used an oil crust, as he does, and I don’t recall ever making one before.  My son’s are always fantastic, and his secret is that he really emulsifies the oil and water combo.  I do not have the patience he does, so I used my hand-held blender to do it, and it took about 10 seconds.   The pie looks and smells great, we’ll see how it tastes when my girl gets home.

I’d been promising to make this pie for a week and didn’t really have time till tonight, but it will be good,  Madeline has been stressed this week, for two reasons.  One is that she took the PSAT this week,  Since we homeschool, she has never taken any kind of standardized test before, so she was nervous.  She thinks it went well, and is glad to have it over.  We get the results in December.

The other reason is that her dad had a bad crash on his bicycle- he broke a vertabrae in his neck and suffered a concussion.  This happened on Saturday, and my daughter found out about it on Monday morning, when she saw a picture of her dad, neck brace on and face scraped up, on her uncle’s facebook page (her dad’s brother).  It was a shock for her, and not the way to find out.  I won’t lie, I am angry that neither he nor his wife called her about it before then– if they had the time and ability to take a picture and send it to his brother, they had the time and ability to call or email his daughter.  Well, anyway, yesterday I drove her up so she could see him, and she was so happy about that.  After something like that,  you just need to see the person.

Last week was the kind of week where I had to schedule myself a bit and really stick to it or I’d be doomed.  The weekend was busy, from Friday night to Sunday night, and then the new week began.  I am really looking forward to this weekend.

Annulment

My marriage ended in 2004, the actual date of divorce is January 2005.  I got the forms and info to file for an annulment in the Catholic Church early in 2005.  I submitted the forms in June of 2009.  Yes, it took me 4 years to get the paperwork done.  Obviously I didn’t work on it the whole time, it was a very intense process and I took breaks from it, often very long ones.  I’d work on it for a short time, then the emotions would overwhelm me and I’d put it away for several weeks or months.

I think it is a good thing that I took as long as I did.  It allowed me time to heal, which enabled me to really look at my past and be honest with myself.  My now-ex had an affair and eventually left me for the woman.  My attitude going in to the annulment process was that he broke our marriage vows and so, it is all his fault.  But the questions the Church asks for this process made me realize it wasn’t that simple.

I had to answer questions about my family, my childhood, my adulthood, how we met, and the circumstances surrounding our decision to marry.  I had to answer the exact same questions about him, to the best of my ability. I also had to describe the circumstances surrounding the end of our marriage.  But rather than giving my reply as straight answers to questions, I was to  use the questions as a guide in writing a narrative about all this.  So it ended up being a Story of Me, and a Story of Us.  My ex was sent the same forms and allowed the same opportunity. (I do not think he availed himself of it).

In spite of the tough emotions it brought out, I am so glad I did this.  I approached it prayerfully and seriously, especially as time went by.  I felt God leading me to a place of honesty about all that happened.  What I wrote was deeply personal, and I sometimes felt very vulnerable, knowing that people were going to be reading it– including my parish priest!  But I knew I had to trust God, and I knew I had to be totally honest, otherwise it would be meaningless.  By the time I sent it off, I was very much at peace– I felt there was a high likelihood it would be granted, but that if it wasn’t I would be able to cope with that.

Early on in the process I was very conflicted about things– part of me wanted the annulment, and yet part of me didn’t.  In order for the annulment to be granted, the Church has to find that the marriage was not valid.  (Note– Not valid is not the same as not legal– I was legally married and legally divorced.  The Church looks at it sacramentaly).  One of the things it looks for is if both parties were mature enough to have understood their vows.  We were in our mid-twenties when we married, and I was very serious about my vows, and I really think he was too.  It made me think that my chances of having the annulment granted were slim.

As I learned more about the Catholic view of marriage, and what the sacrament means, I realized that although I took my vows in all seriousness, I did not truly understand what those vows were about.  A part of the Catholic understanding of marriage is that God chooses you for each other, to help each other to be better people, to grow closer to Him.  We each had a responsibility to help each other be the best people we could be.  That is definitely not the way I looked at it at the time.  I really had more selfish reasons for marrying– not necessarily bad reasons, but I did not look at us as two-becoming one, at least, not as I should have.

My annulment was granted recently, I got the official notice of it a few weeks ago.  It was a good feeling!  It took  a little less than a year, which my priest felt was a little long, but it is shorter than some people I hear about.  I am content.  I have no plans to remarry any time soon, but it is good to know I can do so in the Church, if it should ever happen.

Mostly, though, I feel a sense of peace, of God’s grace working in me.  I’ve let go of a lot of my hurt and anger, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my marriage, while not doomed to failure, had some serious issues that stemmed from my own unwillingness to be honest with myself when we first married.  I also feel the power of God’s understanding and forgiveness of my human weakness.  All in all, a satisfying experience.

If anyone reading this is pondering applying for an annulment, I urge you to do it– it ain’t easy, but in the end it is worth it.