Sunday Morning on the Porch

The porch is my favorite place to be on a summer morning, fresh air, peace and quiet.

I’ve lived through another week of school.  It’s intense, no question about that.  I have a check-off on skills and I have an exam this week.  I do have Monday off, though.  I worked two long days in a row yesterday and Friday, very tiring but tips were good.  Yesterday after 7+ hours on my feet, I walked home, discovered that my flower boxes were in desperate need of watering and rushed to do so, then had just enough time to change and rush over to 4:30 Mass. I got there just in time, so after kneeling for a quick prayer I stood for the entrance song, Act of Contrition, the Gloria and the Collect.  Of course, when I sat down for the readings, fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks.  I think I dozed off for a bit  during the sermon, which is not at all the fault of Fr. Mike, his sermon was great, I was just that tired.  I walked back home on legs that felt like lead weights.  I had wanted to take a bike ride but decided I needed to rest, so I relaxed and read for a bit, made myself a nice meal, then studied for a while.  And that was my exciting Saturday night!

I’m going to Mass here in town more often.  I still belong to my little church out in the country.  However with our new priest and new cluster, we only have Mass every other week at our church, and the other churches in our cluster are too far away to drive to.  So I just walk the 6 blocks to the one here in town.  I like it well enough, but I do prefer my own little church.  I miss seeing everyone.  I had been waffling about whether or not to teach Faith Formation this year but finally decided that I really need to step out.  I’ve been doing it for quite a few years, and although it has been a struggle at times I’ve mostly enjoyed it and I’ll miss it.  But I’ve been waiting for 3 years to do this PTA program, and it is rigorous and demands my attention.  So, I will step down and trust that the Lord will prompt someone to take my place.  After I graduate, I may be ready and able to teach again, in some capacity.  Or perhaps the Lord will have another task for me.   But with Mass there only 2 or 3 times a month, and with me not teaching, I will feel a little isolated from my little parish.  But maybe I will start to feel more at home at the church here in town?

Madeline has survived her first week at college and is doing reasonably well.  She’s still not used to it and feels a little uncertain, but I’m confident that she’ll be fine.  We finally talked a little on Friday night and she sounded tired, but good.  Tomorrow I will go to Dubuque to see Jacob’s new apartment, and I’ll bring my laptop so we can Skype with Madeline.

Then into another school week.  It’s easy to see that between school and work I will be very, very busy.  I will need to be sure to take care of myself and not push too much.  I am glad I did not try to do this program while the kids were still at home, it would have been difficult.  SOme of the people in my class do still have young kids at home, and they say it is hard.  But– it is only for 2 years!

Speaking of school– I still am in the yahoo group for homeschoolers here in town, and it is fun to see all the “not-back-to-school” activities and reminders about filing the forms for homeschooling.  I’m done with that!

Changes

My goodness, it’s been a while!  I’ve been very busy, and have lots to write about and yet haven’t quite felt up to it.

We recently took our summer vacation, up in Grand Marais, MI again.  We had a lovely time, lots of hiking and swimming and biking.  We spent a lot of time outside and that felt good– between being busy-busy and the dreadful hot weather, we hadn’t been outside much this summer.  We thoroughly enjoyed our time and returned home refreshed.  it is likely that the three of us won’t make it up there again next summer– Jacob will have graduated from college and will hopefully have a job, and I may not be able to afford the time off.

I had put off doing things and thinking about things all summer by saying “I’ll do that in August”.  We came back from vacation the first weekend of August and hit the ground running.

Jacob headed back to Dubuque.  Another person had moved into the apartment he was subletting while we were on vacation, and when Jacob got there he found that much of his stuff was missing, and some of it was in the new guy’s room!  He got some of his stuff back, but did not feel comfortable staying there and moved out immediately.  He found a nice new place to move and is living alone– he’s a little tired of sharing living space, which is normal for a senior in college, I think.  He achieved a dream of his this summer when he became a Certified Flight Instructor-Instrument, and he’s been hired by the university as a flight instructor.  He doesn’t have any regular students but will be available for extra flying and longer flights for students.

I started my Physical Therapist Assistant classes on Aug. 20.  I’m with a great group of people, most of them older students, and although it will be a busy and tough year it will also be fun and interesting.  A challenge like this is good for me.

Madeline is off to college.  She went up with her dad on Thursday, I headed up on Friday to do the family orientation on Saturday.  She was tired when I saw her Friday evening, and she was a bit stressed, but by Saturday she seemed a bit better.  Her dad and I sat together and got along fine through the whole thing so that was a blessing.  Her college is  small art school but a very good one, and I think she will be challenged but will thrive.  I cried a little when we said our goodbyes– tried not to, since I knew it would make it hard for her.  I told her they were good tears– I am proud of her, and it’s a thrill to see her starting out on this journey.  I won’t see her again until Thanksgiving, and she will be different by then, she’ll have experienced new and ideas and people.  Such an exciting time in her life.  She said she was very ready for a change.

So here I am, home alone.  My parents were with us for the last two weeks.  They were a huge help in getting things ready for Madeline– since I was in class the week she was leaving.  With Madeline and Jacob still home, the house was pretty full, but now it is empty.  I feel okay about it for the moment.  I know there will be some loneliness ahead, but I will be very busy and hopefully enjoying this new stage of life.

Rain!

We actually had rain last night, almost a whole inch.  Too late, I think, to help the corn crop in this area, but it will ease the drought a bit.  I won’t say plants look perkier but they do look less droopy…  Hopefully it will help farmers with the vegetable crops, the selection at the farmer’s market hasn’t been the greatest.  The storm that dropped the rain moved some of the very hot weather out, so we have the windows open.  It’s still quite humid, and the heat is coming back. I’m getting more used to the heat, though.  On Sunday Madeline and I went to the Art Fairs on and off the Square in Madison, with a friend and her daughters.  It was in the 90s and sunny, very hot, but I was fine.  I used to positively wither in weather like that.

This past weekend was a big one for son Jacob.  He passed the check ride for his CFII certification.  He is now a certified flight instructor for both private pilot and instrument.  This is good because he is now eligible to be an instructor at the school he attends, and because it means that the bulk of his flight training is over.  So a big milestone for him, and he’s about the happiest he’s ever been.
On Tuesday Madeline and I went up to American Players Theatre with the Shakespeare group she belongs to.   There were about 30 of us total, we saw Twelfth Night.  I’d already seen it a few weeks ago, and although well done I didn’t care for the story and could have lived without seeing it again but they needed drivers.  I did enjoy meeting some of the other parents, and it was fun to see the kids enjoying the show and talk about it.  There was a Q&A session with the cast afterwards and the kids really enjoyed that.  They even had a chance to talk to one of the actors as they walked down the hill– very special.  Altogether very worthwhile, but it made for a late night, we didn’t get home until 1 am.  I still haven’t caught up on sleep.

Speaking of American Players, Madeline and I are going up again on Saturday to see Royal Family.  Sometimes I think I’m crazy to spend so much time and money on APT, but the truth is it is something she and I both enjoy.  It’s kinda our thing, and really not the worst way to spend out time or money.

I went through CPR certification this past Saturday, which was very interesting.  Although, as another not-so-young person in the class said, it’s real hard on the knees.  It’s actually a good feeling, though, to know that I can perform CPR, use an AED, and help a choking person.  A big responsibility too, of course.  One of my class mates is also starting the PTA program this fall, so it was nice to see a familiar face.

I’ve managed to keep up the bike rides as time allows and feel better for it.  The eating right part is not going so well– easy to fail on that when I’m busy.  But I keep working at it– small steps forward!

I have the day off today which is wonderful.  I have some things to get done today so I’ll be busy, but a break from the cafe is good.  We’ve been busy, and that is a blessing and I’m grateful for it.  For the most part customers have been great, but there have been a few days where the tips have been pretty poor, in spite of good service.  That wears me down a bit.  So I’ll enjoy the day off.  We need to start getting ready for our vacation, coming in a week and a half!  I am so looking forward to that.

Solstice

The solstice was yesterday.  I spent most of the day inside, at work during the day and at rehearsal for Cinderella in the evening.  would normally consider this unfortunate, but yesterday it was in the low 90′s and humid– the kind of whether that saps my energy.  Plus the sun is so intense this time of year.  I walk home from work with the sun beating down on me and am convinced I can feel it giving me skin cancer.  I’m totally serious about that, I sort of cringe all the way home and am rather stressed by it.  I guess I’m a bit of a hypochondriac.

Madeline’s graduation party went well!  All her artwork looked fantastic up on the walls, it was really impressive and people enjoyed looking at it.  It was a warm day and we did run out of iced tea… we had over 30 people come and most stayed the whole time.  It was a lovely party and I’m glad we had it.  The house-cleaning frenzy before the party was exhausting, but we’ve enjoyed having a cleaner house (except for the spare room, where a lot of stuff got chucked!  We’ll work on that later…)

Madeline and I are both involved withCinderella up at our theatre guild, she’s in the show, I’m stage managing along with friend Denise.  I am enjoying it– it’s a truly wonderful cast, extremely talented and also a generous and hard-working cast.  No egos, no prima donnas or prima donalds as we like to call them.  We have 3 shows this weekend, and 4 next weekend, and that will be over.  I don’t plan on getting involved in any more shows for a while.

I found out 2 days ago, via a letter, that the PTA program I’m starting in the fall is on probation with the organization it gets it accreditation from.  The cause is low graduation rates, which they have been working on and the letter said they expect to get their full status back, but it is still worrying.  Not sure what I will do about it.  It’s been the one ow spot int he past few weeks, but it’s a pretty serious one.  Sigh.

June already!

Where did May go?  Such a busy, busy month.  Busy with work, and end of year stuff.  A lovely month full of blooming plants and allergies that kicked my butt.

Madeline finished up her schoolwork and is officially done with high school!  We will have a party for her in a week.  I had not originally planned to have a party– her brother was content with a dinner with family.  I grew up in a time and place when graduating from high school, while commendable, was not considered something that needed to be celebrated extravagantly.  I was surprised when we moved to this area to see the goings-on at graduation time: huge tents on the lawn; rented tables and chairs; catered meals ranging from pulled pork sandwiches with cheesy potatoes to gourmet hors d’oeuvre; guest lists in the hundreds.  Madeline’s party will be nothing like that.  We will have cake and probably some snack types foods– cheese tray and fruit tray and the like.  For beverages we thought we’d have a selection of iced teas.  The special part will be her artwork– we’ll remove all the pictures/painting on our walls and hang up her work!  We’re excited about that.  We’ll have some of our closest friends, and her paternal grandparents will be here too.  Should be fun, though I need to get moving on cleaning the house…

I’ve gotten her final homeschool transcript completed, signed by her dad and I, and mailed off.  Yesterday she received her housing assignment from college– it’s starting to seem real!  She already heard from one of her room-mates (she’ll share an apartment with 3 other girls).

Jacob finished his semester early in May, and did well, he should make Dean’s list again.  He went to Nationals with his flight team; they didn’t do particularly well as a team but he did all right individually, and he had a very good time.  He’s back in Dubuque for the summer, and has found a good sublet through mid-August, moved in today.  He just wasn’t happy in his last place, so I hope this suits for the summer, and I hope he finds something good for the fall.  He has one part-time job and will look for a second one, he’s also taking a 6-week summer class.

As of today I will no longer receive child support for Madeline.  That’s the way the law works in Wisconsin.  So money will be tighter from now on, but I’ve been prepared.  Both kids got good financial aid packages from their colleges; I did not, nor did I get any sort of scholarship, which surprised me.  I’m a little bitter about that, since I know I had a good application, but I remind myself that at least I still have the means to go to school– many don’t.

So here we are, in June, with my flower boxes planted and blooming on the porch, and my herbs growing in pots and in the side garden.  The daisies are blooming as well, and event the day lilies– they are both a bit early this year.  Mourning Doves have nested in the crab tree by the porch and the little ones watch me as I mow the lawn.  The  sunny days end in a long, lovely twilight, and I relish the peace whenever I have the chance.

Porch weather

Sunday evening on the porch, my favorite place to be.  After two humid days it’s a little cooler and dryer and a robin is singing its evening song in the tree out front.  Very peaceful.

I worked on organizing a bit today.  There is a built-in china hutch in my dining room.  Daughter Madeline had tidied up part of one of the cupboards that she was using to store crafts, so I tidied up the rest of it and then tackled the drawer above it.  It’s a bit of a catch-all and there were some interesting findings, including many old photos, including: my mother’s portrait taken when she graduated from nursing school; a photo of my great-uncle Max’s wedding; random photos of the kids at various ages; pictures of the children of friends and relatives from Christmas cards over the years; and a set of photos from a trip to Colorado the ex and I took back in 1988.  (I resisted the urge to sit down and go through all of them, thus avoiding that time-trap.)  In addition I found 4 obsolete cell-phones and a Sony Walkman (remember those?) along with various chargers, including a battery charger, the batteries for which have been missing for years.  I will have to look up where to safely dispose of these.

I talked to an old friend today.  G and I were real good friends years ago when we both had little kids together.  She is a single mom, and I lived far from family, so we were very much each others’ support system back then.  But she moved away, and we drifted apart, and for a while it seemed she only called when she needed money.  I guess I got a little tired of that, and a little tired about hearing about problems that often seemed of her own making.  Last summer, she called to say she was going to try to make it to Wisconsin.  Around the time she thought she’d be here she called my cell, and I didn’t pick up the phone and I didn’t call her back.  I was super busy and I had my own problems and worries and just didn’t feel like meeting up with her.

Well, I found out today she did not come up to Wisconsin last summer.  She didn’t come because she suffered a bad injury while working– she lost the tip of one finger and almost lost half of another, on her dominant hand.  So she was off work and going through surgery to reattach one finger and then plenty of physical therapy.  That’s what she had been calling to tell me last year.

I’m happy to say she’s recovered and is doing fine, and is back pursuing her dream of a nursing degree.  But I feel like a jerk.  It occurs to me that it isn’t the first time I haven’t been there for a friend.  I often let my own cares and worries keep my from being there, from reaching out.  I know I have a right to place limits on what people expect of me, and that I sometimes need to take care of myself, and all that.  But at that point in time, all she needed was someone to listen, and I didn’t do it.  I wasn’t there for her, because I didn’t feel like dealing with it at that particular time.  And rather than just listen to her, and find out what the situation was, and do what I could or was capable of, I just ignored her.  I am ashamed of that, especially because she would never have done that to me.  She’s a much better friend than I am.

Winding down…

Sunday evening, after yet another busy week/weekend.

Madeline finished both physics and pre-calculus this week!  And finished well– she gets B in both.  She says she will miss doing math, which I cannot relate to at all but is wonderful to hear!  Both my kids seem to have inherited their dad’s math aptitude, which is a blessing.  Madeline still will work on Spanish and writing, both of which are self-directed so my input will be minimal.  So we are into May and the school year is almost over.  Her piano recital is a week from today and then that will be done.  Most of her other activities continue into June but there is still a sense of winding down.

Jacob is almost done with his semester, classes are over and he just has 1 exam and a paper and he’s done.  However, he then heads off with the flight team for the national competition and will be gone 10 days.  He is still up in the air about his summer plans but will most likely stay in Dubuque, so it will be a little different around here this summer.  But that’s okay– he’s got things to do, and Madeline and I will be busy this summer too.  He passed the check-ride for his multi-engine rating this past week, another milestone for him.

I think we will have a party for Madeline’s graduation.  Jacob just wanted dinner with his sister an I, his dad and dad’s wife, and Uncle Bill.  It was only somewhat awkward.  That was 3 years ago, and since then their dad’s wife has become increasingly more unfriendly to me and Madeline would like to have other people around to offset the awkwardness, which is understandable and will also be fun.  Their dad has informed me it is my fault that wife is unfriendly; the kids have both assured me that I have been perfectly pleasant and cordial and done nothing to cause this.  And yes, they would tell me if I was behaving badly!  I had asked them about it because I feel bad– it makes it difficult for their dad and I to be together at their activities.  I actually thought the wife was a very nice person and thought we got on well at first but things deteriorated.   I still try to be pleasant and cordial but am not sure what else to do about it.  She has a lot of hostility towards me.  Ah well.

I cancelled my satellite TV this week, and am sort of regretting it at the moment since I can’t watch Mad Men or Sherlock tonight.  But I am pretty sure I will survive and will get to catch up eventually.  I did purchase a Roku unit and have set it up, so I’m feeling mildly tech-savvy.  It will save me some money.  This will be the last month I receive child support so it is time to make some changes.  I find it weird that child support in Wisconsin ends when they graduate or turn 18 (whichever comes last), yet I still have to feed and house them until they got to college.  I shouldn’t complain, though.  I’ve had things much better than many, many women (and men) who are divorced and raising children.

We made it to Mass at our own church this morning, I was lector and Madeline played piano & sang.  It was good to be there.  Father David’s sermon was about baptism and rebirth and nourishing ourselves through the Eucharist, it was excellent.  His sermons are always good but have been particularly so this Easter.

I’m still reading John Steinbeck’s Travels with Charlie  and loving it– I’ve even been reading it aloud to Madeline while she draws.  A nice side effect of no TV.

Down time

I just came off a busy, busy week.  The bosses were out-of-town from Thursday on so the rest of us worked threeverylong days at the cafe.  Friday was especially busy and I arrived home late and physically exhausted.  Saturday was better but we were all so tired we just endured.  I had yesterday and today off, and spent most of yesterday relaxing and getting my energy back.

After work on Saturday Madeline and I drove to Shullsburg and met Jacob there for dinner.   We had a nice dinner, and it was very good to see Jacob, he seemed to be well.  He’d run for president of the flight team and lost just this past week, but he was not overly upset about it.  He’s got one week left of classes and then finals, and he’s done with the semester.  Shullsburg is a very picturesque town, one of the oldest cities in Wisconsin, and as close t halfway between Monroe and Dubuque as we are likely to get.  I don’t know why we haven’t met there before but we definitely will again.  I just wish it had been warmer– it’s a lovely town to walk around in but it was too chilly on Saturday.

Madeline and I had a lovely chat on the way home– my kids and I always have the best talks in the car, it’s one of our favorite places for talking.  We talked a bit about where we used to live in the country, since we were driving near it.  I offered to go past it but she said she didn’t want to, it would make her feel too sad.  It’s always interesting to see what she remembers about things.  She lived in that house from age 5 to 11, 6 years.  She remembers it reasonably well, and liked it well enough. She liked when the field out front had corn in it, since it was fun to walk through, and when it had alfalfa and oats, because we played on the round bales.  She did not like the year there were soybeans– they smelled weird, and the dog smelled weird after running through it, and after the beans were harvested we had even more Asian ladybugs than usual (they eat the aphids in the beans).

Sunday we went to church here in town, it was a long Mass because 14 kids received First Communion, and it was beautiful.  Fr. Larry is the priest at St. Victors and he prays a beautiful Mass.  He did a great job with the kids.  After church we were pretty sluggish, but we were both tired and I make no excuses.

I’ve managed to get a few things done today, which is a good feeling.  I picked up our down comforters from the cleaners, I made bread dough, I followed up on taking a CPR course, and I cancelled out satellite TV.  The bill has been over $150 a month, and with child support ending after May, it is time to cut costs.  Of course, I am upgrading our internet connection and starting up my netflix subscription again, but I will still save about $50 per month overall.  I can live without satellite TV, but not internet…

I dropped Madeline off at homeschool gym today, and she and her friends looked so happy.  It was a good thing to see.

Friday thoughts

It’s Friday evening.  I’m up in my room and just spent an hour or so working on a grant application for one of the organizations I volunteer for.  I’ve never done a grant application before but no one else was interested in doing it and I figured I had nothing to lose.  I’ve got it mostly done, I’ll just polish it up later this weekend and get it in on Monday, when it is due.  I have another one to do for another organization.  It’ll be interesting to see what transpires…

I’m in my room because my daughter’s sort-of boyfriend is here and I’m giving them some space to hang out.  What is a sort-of boyfriend? They are more than friends, but not really dating in a steady way.  No regular weekend dates, no phone calls or texts or anything on a daily basis.  They have known each other since they were 5 or 6, and in the last 6 months or so they’ve just become a little more interested in each other.   It’s very low-key and low-pressure and I very much approve– much more sensible than getting all serious and heavy.

I’ve been struggling with headaches this week.  Had a horrible migraine that started Monday night and went through the following evening– dreadful.  I felt good Wednesday morning but by the afternoon I had another headache, this one a sinus which of course segued into another migraine. Very painful and discouraging, since I’d been headache free for a while.  I think they were caused by a combination of factors– too much Easter candy (why, oh why did I buy 4 bags of Cadbury mini-eggs? What was I thinking?) , and I forgot to take my loratadine on Monday so the allergies were acting up.  Also Wednesday was a bright, sunny day and while working, the reflection of cars parked outside really got to me.  I survived, though, got back on the allergy meds, and got the last of the mini-eggs out of the house since I have absolutely no self-control with them.

So I haven’t written much in April, and I miss it.  It’s been a busy couple weeks with Easter and all, not to mention time spent curled up in bed clutching my head and waiting for it to explode.  But I’m learning that writing makes me feel good, is good for me, and maybe something I am supposed to be doing.  I need to not be afraid to prioritize it.  I did write a little in my private journal, and I’ll write more this weekend– I have some stuff to work out, and it’s not for public consumption.  I am finding journaling invaluable for this sort of thing– working out a problem or issue or just venting.

Speaking of Easter– the Vigil service was wonderful.  The lectors did a fantastic job, the music was lovely.  The church was decorated so beautifully and the fragrance of the Easter lilies filled the air. We’re blessed to have a priest with a good, strong, true voice and when he chants the Exsultet (Easter Proclamation) it is incomparable.  It occurred to me this year while listening that it may be the last time I get to hear Fr. David chant it– our parish clusters are changing this summer and he may be moved to another parish.  So I made sure to enjoy it.  Fr. was really on his game, and the Mass seemed even more beautiful than usual. I love the moment when Father lights the Easter candle, and then we spread its light through the dark church, candle to candle, until the whole space is filled with candlelight, symbolizing The Light of Christ. Thanks be to God!

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It’s hard to make myself write today.  I am very tired, and I don’t feel like I have much to say.

Now that I think of it, something nice did happen today– Madeline won a prize for a painting she did–a self-portrait.  She entered it in a show for high-schoolers and took 3rd place.  I don’t remember how many other works were in that category, but there was some very good work.  Both she and I had to work today, but we were both able to take some time off to go to the award ceremony.  One of the benefits of living in a small town– everything is close together!  I am so glad I got to see this– she has won two other prizes this semester but we haven’t been able to make it to the other award ceremonies.  She is very proud, as she should be.

One reason I am so tired is that I have been staying up late reading The Robe.  I’m still enjoying it, it really makes me think.  I am anxious to see how it ends.  I think I’m about halfway through.

I’m going to see the show at the Guild tonight, I sincerely hope I can stay awake for it.